the past few months were fast, nervous, horribly predictable and chaotically sad. now it is slow, wiht no movements, no feelings, no sense of belonging, willing, changing, no things usually possessed like own life, but with the huge awareness of having life as such and strong believe in need for living it, slighter hope for better and on the way for searching, what am i looking for?
it was slow day but still am whether it was mine or it was just another day. i slept long, almost 14 hours, i talked to someone who got him self lost 'cause that was what he needed. that's what he wanted, he was very important to me some time ago, i opened the one of my little drawers hiding the very little of privacy i have here. i took out my secret stash and rolled a joint. locked in the bathroom, sitting on a toilet, got on a bicycle. ate lunch with justina, she loves him, she misses him, she was smiley, we saw 'black swan' in the cinema, justina looked away every now and then, i was moved, i liked it. i got on a bicycle and i came back home and watched a show on parishes from scottish island of barra, listened to some music, talked to rysiu, watched some news with him and he was getting irritated by some american jewish prick who was talking bollox on egyptian riots. we smoked a cigarette, i have no longer plans for children of my own so i started stupidly again.
i do those little steps every day, where will they lead me?